Russells: April 2014

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Happy Birthday Calvin

Calvin turned 9 yesterday! Calvin is all about football! He got a new football and a BYU football jersey! He is constantly telling us he needs a brother to play football with.
He picked a mint Oreo ice cream cake and we all really enjoyed it!

Opening Presents http://youtu.be/-B1Ys6ZLkfU

Singing Happy Birthday http://youtu.be/Syws3Vac1cc

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"Calvin-isms, Madie-Lines, & Anna-sass'"

While discussing ice cream sundaes -

Celeste do you want an ice cream sundae?

Celeste (age 3): No. I want an ice cream this day!

Running from the store to the car in a sprinkling rain.

Celeste (age 2): Mom, this is inappropriate to be doing this, the rain is getting me wet!

Mom: Celeste did you stick your tongue out at Lilah?

Celeste (with her head hung down): Yes...(pause)...but I put it back in.

Lilah dumped a cup of water on Anna Elise during a water fight.

Anna Elise (spraying Lilah with the hose): OK, you asked for it!

Lilah (age 5): No, I did NOT!

Discussing a friend who went "out of town".

Lilah: I want to go there!

Mom: Where?

Lilah: Out-of-town, I've never been there, I want to go!

Coming out of Sam's Club with a double pack of salad dressing:

Lilah (age 5) holding up the salad dressing bottles to her eyes: look Mom I can see the Great Wall of China!

Pulling up to the 'old' house a few days after we moved to the 'new' house: Celeste (age 2) No, not here, I don't want to go here, I want to go to the new house!

Lilah (age 5) Hey Mom, I know why they call it Sams Club, it's because they have SAMples!

Madeline (age 6) saying family prayer: Thank you that we could go to church today. Thank you that we could have a lovely time at your home.

Lilah (age 4) giving us a choice of FHE opening song: You can pick: Nephites Courageous, Families Can be Forever Together, or Sons of Helium...

Lilah (age 4): Mom

Mom: Yes?

Lilah: Monkeys eat a lot of bananas...

Mom: Yes they do.

L: Celeste really likes bananas...

Mom: Yes she does.

L: She eats a lot of them

pause

L (totally serious and thoughtful): I think Celeste is a monkey.

Mom: But she doesn't really look like a monkey

L: Yes, she does.

Celeste (age 2): No! I Celestey-Pooh!

Calvin (age 8): What did one coach yell at the other coach?

Mom: What?

Calvin: I want my quarter back! (quarterback)

Mom: Where did you hear that joke?

Calvin: I made it up!

Mom: Celeste you are so cute!

Celeste: I tute!

Mom: Yes!

Celeste: Lilah tute!

Mom: yes she is

Celeste: Mad is tute!

Mom: yes

Celeste: Lise is tute!

Mom: Is Calvin cute?

Celeste: NOOOO!

laughing

Celeste: Mommy is tute!

Anna Elise (watching a Calvin Klein commercial): Look Calvin, it's your name on TV.

Calvin: Dad is my name famous?

Dad: Yes, it is.

Anna Elise: It's on underwear! (imagine a 'duh' tone of voice)

Mom (making cookies): I need it to be 2 inches, does this look like 2 inches?
Lilah (age 4): I don't know
Mom: You don't know?
Lilah: I'm a big girl, mom, and I'm smart with lots of things, but I'm not smart with 2 inches.

on Dec. 20th, Calvin (age 7): Happy Birthday Eve, Mom!

Lilah (age 4) while peeling a clementine: oranges should have zippers, then when you get one you can just unzip it!

Discussing Lilah's talk in Primary
Mike: She did good, she said I love Calvin and Madeline at the end.
Calvin (age 7): I heard that part.
Mike: Did it make you smile?
Calvin: Yes
Mike: Did it make your heart tingle to know Lilah loves you?
Calvin: No, only hearing nails on a chalkboard makes me tingle.

Dad: Who remembers what we read about yesterday?
Lilah: Nephi getting the "grass" plates!

We had grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner. Mom & Dad had fresh tomatoes on our sandwiches. Lilah said the blessing: Thank you we could have cheese sandwiches. Thank you that only mom & dad could have tomatoes...

Mike was pounding in some rogue carpet tacks.

Lilah: What are you doing?

Mike: Fixing these 'pokies'.

Lilah (after more pounding): Is there a porcupine under the carpet?

Calvin (during Thanksgiving dinner) Why do olives have holes? So you can make them into finger puppets.

Madeline(age 5),talking to Calvin, making up stories: I left when you weren't looking and drove someone else's car...

Mom: You drove someone else's car? You can't drive!

Madeline: Yes I can!

Mom: You don't have a drivers license!

Madeline: Yes I do!

Dad: Who gave you a drivers license?

Madeline: God.

Lilah (age 4): Are we voting for Romney?

Mom: Yes we are!

Lilah: Is that why he says "This is Mitt Romney and I approve this meshage"?

Lilah, while watching a caterpiller crawl up her arm (age 4): He is trying to crawl in my shirt! These animals just don't know any better, do they mom?

Lilah, to the cashier (age 4): I have a bad daddy because he left a soda bottle on the floor in the car!

The kids were discussing whether or not cats swim and why they don't go in water.

Anna Elise (age 9): Calvin, cats don't like water, why do you think they drink milk?

Dad: Lilah Bean do you like your name?
Lilah: Yes
Dad: do you ever wish we'd given you a different name, like lollipop?
Lilah: You mean Lilah-pop?

Lilah (at the dinner table): This food makes my tummy want to go out to eat!

Having a discussion about disabled people (I should note they have been studing the priesthood in their primary class)...
Madeline(age 5): Daddy can the power of the priesthood heal people that are broken?
Mike: Yes it can.
Madeline: Do you have the priesthood?
Mike: Yes, I do.
Madeline: So you have the power to heal people?
Lilah interupts(age 3): Like Superman?

Lilah (age 3): Mom they were singing about a Lilah tree in my class at church.
Mom: Do you mean a lilac tree?
Lilah: No!
Mom: I think they were singing about a lilac tree.
Lilah: No, it was a Lilah tree, they said Lilah tree!

Madeline(trying to get Lilah to copy her): Time to get buckled. (pause) Now Lilah, you say 'Time to get buckled'.
Lilah: Time to get buckled.
Madeline: What?
Lilah: I said 'Time to get buckled'.
Madeline: No, you say 'what' now.
Lilah: What now
Madeline (in total frustration): Nooo! You are suppose to copy me!

Lilah (getting ready to say the prayer): But Heavenly Father is in another state.
Mom: No, Heavenly Father is in heaven, but he is always with us.
Lilah: But I can't hear his voice!?
Mom: I know, but he can hear your voice!

Celeste (8 months): yelling very loudly
Lilah (3): Celesty! You are being too loud! Don't you remember? We talked about this yesterday. You need to be quiet!

Lilah (age 3) trying to put on her black turtle neck shirt: Mom will you help me? It's too dark in there!

Dad singing (Michael Buble): Birds flying high, you know how I feel...
Lilah (age 3): Hey I know that! You are singing Michael Blu...Blu...Blueberry, Michael Blueberry!

Dad: Why do you eat your boogers? They don't even taste good!
Calvin(age 6): Yes they do! They taste delicious!

Madeline(age 4): Mom, Marshall sounds like Marshmallow!
Mom: Yes it does.
Madeline: I'd better call him Uncle Marshmallow now!

Lilah(age 2) after coughing: My mouth has a problem Dad!

Madeline(age 4) singing: The foolish man built his house upon the sand, the foolish man built his house upon the sand..."
Calvin: Madeline why are you so mean to the foolish man? Why don't you sing a song about the ice cream man?

Mom: Lilah you aren't done picking up your toys.
Lilah(age 2): I told Calvin he could pick up my toys.

Conversation with Lilah (age 2):
Mom: Lilah...
Lilah: I'm not Lilah, I'm Pup!
Mom: Pup will you put your shoes away
Lilah: They aren't shoes, they're sandals
Mom: Lilah will you put your sandals away.
Lilah: I'm not Lilah! I'm Pup!
I finally go it right and asked Pup to put her sandals away!

Mom got her hair cut.
Madeline (age 4): It doesn't look VERY pretty.
Mom: Then how does it look?
Madeline: It looks some pretty.
Mom: Just some pretty?
Madeline: No, it looks weird too.

Lilah (age 2) - Celeste is so prettiful

Calvin(age 6) was climbing around in the car and was trying to put his hands on opposite sides of the car
Calvin: If I had three hands I could...
Anna Elise: Count to fifteen!

Celeste was crying and Lilah unsuccessfully tried to help her by offering her a pacifier.
Lilah(age 2): Mommy your baby is crying! She wants you to hold her!

Calvin(age 6): Anna Elise can you pass the cereal box...I want to see how many calories are in this.
Anna Elise: What are calories?

Madeline(age 4): Pops is sad...
Dad: Why is Pops sad?
Madeline: Because he loves me, and I'm not there, so he misses me and he's sad.

Anna Elise(age 7): How come I can see the veins in your hands?
Mom: Well, I guess because I'm getting old.
Anna Elise: I thought you already were!?

Madeline(age 4): I am trying to kiss my tongue, but my lips are on the outside and I can't reach!

Madeline(age 4): Do you want to see me wash my eyeballs?
She licks her finger and 'washes' her eyelids and all around her eyes.
Madeline: Now I rub them really good to make them shiny like a sparkle!

Lilah had to borrow a pair of Madeline's pj's last night.
Lilah(age 2): They fit me!
Mom: Yes they do because you are such a big girl!
Lilah:No you are big!
Mom: No you are big!
Lilah: I not big, I tiny. I tiny because I tiny and you are big!
At this point I was laughing because Lilah is not tiny, she has always been very tall and quite stout for her age.
Calvin picked up on it.
Calvin: You are big.
Lilah: I tiny, momma's big.
and it went on and on until Lilah got tired of it and finally answered with
Lilah: I tiny, momma is a pickle!

The kids brought home report cards this week. Mike was telling them what a good job they did.
Calvin(age 5): Did my teacher say 'Calvin is a super hero'?

While driving on slick and snowy roads,
Calvin(age 5): Anna Elise, Dad's new tires work great - they drive on snow and wet. Dad, they deserve a treat!
Dad: Well what kind of treat should they get?
Anna: You should give them some dry roads to drive on!

Dad: Calvin, which music do you like better? The last group or this one?
Calvin: The last one, this sounds like "farm music."

Mom: The store is probably crowded, there are a lot of cars here!
Calvin: Maybe they just belong to the maids!
Mom: The what?
Calvin: You know the maids, they tell us how much to pay and put our stuff in bags.

Anna Elise: I'm cold, I wish I was an armadillo and I could just curl up and be warm!
Calvin: Dad, are roly-poly's baby armadillos?

Calvin(Age 5): Dad, is that snow?
Dad: No, that's frost.
Calvin: Can you build a snowman with frost?
Dad: No
Calvin: I guess you'd have to build a frost man with it!

Mom explaining Little House on the Prairie to Anna: This is Laura's sister, Mary.
Anna: Is that the same Mary who had a little lamb?

Calvin: Dad, why do you have a shirt on that says Chipotle?
Dad: So everyone knows I like Chipotle.
Calvin: So if you like white paint, you could put some white paint on your shirt so everyone would know you liked it!?

Madeline(age 3) (sarcastically): Thanks a lot, Mom!
Mom: Your welcome!
Calvin: No Mom, there are two kinds of thank yous, the first one is when you mean 'thank you' and the other one is when you mean 'why did you even do that, Mom!".

Dad: Kids there might be a hurricane coming tomorrow.
Calvin: A herd of what?
Dad: No, a hurricane, like a tornado over the water.
Calvin (next morning) : When is the flock going to come?
Dad: What?
Calvin: That flock thing that is like a tornado!

Anna Elise (discussing math): It's easy Dad, I just count on my fingers.
Dad: Some day the numbers will be too big to count on your fingers.
Anna Elise (with disbelief) : Yah, whatever!

While discussing who needed blessings, this summer, before family prayer tonight we asked the kids who we should pray for...
Madeline: Aunt Janet!
Mom (thinking about her new school and new job): Yes, and what does she need help with?
Madeline: Hanging up Christmas lights!
...
Dad: We also need to pray for Uncle Matt, he needs more hours at work.
Madeline(age 3): Aunt Sarah too, she needs help selling candles!
(Sarah doesn't sell candles - we aren't sure what goes through her head)

Mike: Who remembers what a rameumptom is?
Calvin(age 5): A man who makes shoes?
Lilah(age 2): Momma?
Madeline: Daddy?
Calvin: an elected official?
After Anna Elise got it right, she asked who wrote that part.
Mom: Alma
Madeline(age 3): Elmo?

While eating our shish-ka-bobs outside with a swarm of flies...
Madeline: What is the punishment for these flies getting on my food?!

Anna Elise (while rubbing her Dad's shoulders): Is this what's it's like to get a massage?
Dad: Kind of
Anna: They just do this the whole time?
Dad: No, they do other moves to.
Anna: You mean like karate?

Anna Elise: Mom, Lilah is being a copy cat.
Madeline: Well I'm a kitty cat.

Calvin: What kind of animal does ham come from?
Mom: A pig.
Calvin: What kind are we?
Mom: What?
Calvin: What kind of meat are we called?
Mom: We don't eat people, so we don't name our meat. We only name the meat of animals we eat.
pause...
Calvin: Then what do lions calls us, because they eat us?

While getting Lilah dressed,
Calvin: Mom is that a onesie?
Mom: Yes.
Calvin: So do they make Twosies?
Mom: No.
Calvin: What about threesies?
I'm laughing at him, but he is totally serious!

Dad: OK kids, we have to clean up the house.
Anna Elise: We!? We're going in the pool, man!

While walking down a path:
Calvin(age 5): Look raspberries!
Dad: Those aren't raspberries...did you eat one?
Calvin: No...they looked like raspberries.
Dad: You guys are not allowed to eat berries that you find outside...you don't know which ones can make you sick.
Anna Elise: Yeah but if you were a berryinterologist you could.

Walking on freshly tilled soil...
Calvin(age 5): Hey, this feels like chocolate!

Calvin(age 5): Dad, how much is one thousand two ten five times a bajillion tundred?
Dad: Those aren't real numbers...
Calvin: I know, but how much is it?

While Driving with GPS/Phone:
Madeline(age 3): Your talking phone makes my fornhead (forehead) hurt.

Calvin(age 5): Today was the worse day ever. It was even worse then when the mean man took our car because when your car gets taken you can just go and drive and find it, but an accident...there is nothing you can do!

Earlier in the day Dad explained what pan handlers were.
Calvin(age 5): Dad, why doesn't the man who was asking for food just plant a garden, like a vegetable garden. Then he could grow his own food and wouldn't need to ask for any.
Anna Elise(age 6): Because he doesn't have any money to buy seeds!
Calvin: Anna Elise, we give money to the church because they know who needs money. That's why we visit people, to find out if they need food.
Anna Elise: Maybe he can't get any money because he doesn't know anybody in the Chickahominy Ward.

Mike (while cutting up a rotisserie chicken): Who wants some cat meat?
Silence
Mike: Doesn't anyone want cat meat? Who knows what a cat says?
Madeline(age 3): That cat would say ouch!

Calvin(age 5): Dad, why do they even make swirly roads...is it so we can have fun?

Calvin: Dad, what do whales eat?
Dad: Shrimp.
Calvin(age 5): What else?
Dad: Just shrimp, lots and lots of shrimp.
Calvin: Do they eat people?
Dad: No whales don't eat people.
Calvin: Then why did a whale eat Jonah?

Madeline (age 3): Look Dad a purple car!
Dad: What kind is it?
Madeline: Raspberry!
Dad: No, what kind of car is it?
Madeline: It's a Mustang daddy.

Calvin(age 5): Dad...is triceratops an animal?
Dad: Yes, triceratops is a dinosaur which is an animal.
Calvin: Then did Noah have triceratops on the ark?

Calvin(age 5): When I grow up, am I going to have "fluff" on my arms too?
Dad: "Fluff?"
Madeline(age 3): It's not "fluff"...it's hair!

Calvin(age 5): Today we learned about George Washington D.C.
Anna(age 6): We also learned about George Washington
Calvin: D.C.
Mom: His name is George Washington, Washington D.C. is the city.

Watching You Tube (Snowboarders on Half-pipe):
Calvin(age 5): Dad, can they just scratch their face if they need to, or will they crash?

Watching You Tube (3 Lions fighting over a meal):
Calvin(age 5): Dad, why are they fighting each other?
Dad: They're hungry, and only the winner gets to eat.
Calvin: Why don't they just be happy, and they can all share?

Madeline(age 3): I want to wear a husband in my hair.
Mom: What?
Madeline: I want a husband in my hair!
Mom: Can you show me?
Madeline (holding up a HEADBAND): I want this!

Calvin's 'joke'(age 4): There once was a cucumber and his name was Cucumber and he liked to eat cucumbers...so he ate himself! (this was followed by the kids laughing hysterically)

Calvin(age 4): Last night I had a dream that an eggplant and a buffalo were fighting and the eggplant was winning.
Mom: How can an eggplant beat a buffalo? It's a plant, not an animal...
Calvin: The eggplant had a friend that's a hippo. The hippo bit the buffalo on the leg so the eggplant could win.
Mom: okay...
Calvin: I'm just teasing, that wasn't a dream, I thought it all up in my head.

Mom was explaining what 'stakes' are to Anna Elise on the way to church.
Calvin(age 4): Mom are we going to have one of those tonight?
Mom: Have one of what?
Calvin: Are we going to have a steak for dinner?

Calvin (age 4): Anna Elise I'll give you one more chance...
Anna(age 6): You don't even know what chances are!
Calvin: Yes I do! Dad gives them to me all the time!

Madeline (age 3) (we were all making cookies and I put a cup of oatmeal in): Good job mommy! You did such a good job of not making a mess! (she was SO excited for me)

Madeline (age 3)(saying her prayers all by herself): Thank you that Jesus is my friend, thank you for my Lily dog, thank you for that blanket right there (pointing to one of her three favorite blankets)...

Calvin (age 4)(helping Dad shovel snow): Dad, there's this thing about snow, do you want to hear it?
Mike: Sure
Calvin: It's really slippery!

Anna Elise (age 6) (when the rain turned to snow): It's snowing! Will there be enough so we can make fur balls? (unfortunately the snow didn't stick so they weren't able to make snow balls)

Calvin(age 4): What did you get from Lowe's?
Dad: Nuts and bolts.
Calvin: Nuts and bullets?
Dad: Bolts.
Calvin: So you can put them in your gun and shoot them?
Dad: B-O-L-T-S, they're like screws.

Calvin (age 4)(singing): The farmer in the hell, the farmer in the hell, I know the dairy-O, the farmer in the hell.
Mom: Calvin it's dell, with a d! The farmer in the dell!

Teaching the kids how to play 'paper, rock, scissors'.
Mike: ...and rock beats scissors.
Calvin(age 4): What about a gun? It could shoot everything!
Dad: You don't ever shoot a rock with a gun, you could get
hurt. You only shoot rocks with laser beams!
Anna Elise(age 6): What are lazy-er beams?

Mom: Kids, guess who is getting married?
Anna Elise(age 6): Aunt Jenny!
Dad: Yes, she is marrying a man named Ioane.
Calvin(age 4): You mean like an iguana?

Mom: Madeline are you going to keep your blue eyes?
Madeline(age 2): No, I want pink eyes!

Calvin(age 4): I'm thirsty...
Dad: We'll get a drink when we get home.
Calvin: I need a drink.
Dad: You'll be fine...you can wait.
Calvin: But I don't like tongue juice!
Dad: What are you talking about?
Calvin: The water that my tongue makes in my mouth, I don't like it, I want real water.
Dad: Yeah, we'll get some when we get home.

Football Announcer: Oklahoma takes a "time-Out..."
Calvin(age 4): Why did they have to go to time out? Did they break the rules?

while in the car on a long ride home
Anna Elise (age 6): I want to take a nap but the only way I can sleep is with a cozy blanket and a pillow.
Calvin(age 4): Well the only way I can sleep is with a cozy blanket, a pillow and a BED!

Anna Elise (age 6): Mom look at that hairy mountain with trees all over it!

Anna Elise (age 6): I don't like the way Calvin sings.
Calvin: Well I'm a boy and I can't sing the way you do!

Anna Elise (age 6) (talking about her dreams): I have three books under my pillow so if I have a bad dream I can read them and it will spray, like a spray gun, the bad dreams out of my head.

Madeline (age 2) whispering into Dad's ear: Let's put this necklace on you so you can be beautiful....Daddy...I want you to be beautiful.

Madeline (age 2) came upstairs last night crying about Dinosaurs in her room.
Dad: There aren't any dinosaurs in your room.
Madeline: Yes there were I could smell them.
We had to put a scented candle in her room today to get rid of the 'dinosaur smell' today.

Anna Elise (age 5)(upon seeing two cop cars next to each other, one with it's lights on): Why did that police man get another police man?

Madeline (age 2) (in the car, after hearing Rush mention "Obama"): USA, USA, 'Bama has to go... (Calvin joined in on the third round)

While driving on a country road...
Calvin(age 4): If a car drives on you, would your eyes pop out? Like if you drove over a squirrel and it's eyes popped out...
Dad: It might...
Calvin: It would if a tow truck drove on it, right, because it would be like two cars driving on it and it would be really heavy!

(Madeline has had several accidents in the last 2 days) Mom: if you poop in your panties I will take one of your blankets away!
Madeline (age 2): if I poop in your panties I will take one of your blankets away, ok?

Madeline(age 2): Daddy, when I grow up I'm gonna drive a Camaro.

Madeline (while watching the changing of the guard at the tomb of the unknown soldier): Is that the king?

Madeline (upon seeing her dad's grass covered legs after mowing the lawn): Dad you have spinach all over your legs!

Madeline (age 2) (after eating cheese flavored chips that stained her fingers): I have chippies all over me!

Anna Elise (age 5): Mom ate that faster than a pig!

Madeline (age 2): Calvin...don't you ever do that to me again!

Madeline(age 2): Daddy you're not a guy you are a boy.

Madeline(age 2): You've got to be kidding me!

Madeline (age 2): "It's just an owie, it'll go away, just don't even worry about it"

Mike (explaining Boom-O, a card game that involves counting down and 'bombs' 'exploding') : when the clock gets to zero then 'boom'. When all your bombs explode you are out.
Calvin (age 4): Shouldn't we go outside to play the game?
Mom: No Calvin it's just a card game, nothing really explodes.
Calvin (as we are setting up) : Can we turn out the lights?
Mom: Calvin nothing really explodes.
Calvin: OK, but we'll be able to see it better with the lights off.
We gave up - he was disappointed when we played the game - nothing really blew up.

After an interesting discussion at dinner we have discovered
that when Calvin grows up he is going to have a race car with
2 seats in the front for him and his 'mom' (wife) and 2 seats in the back for his 2 kids. His wife's name will be Elise, his girl baby will be "Rock a bye Baby" and his boy baby will be "Leo".

Calvin was being silly at dinner.
Anna Elise (age 5): Stop it you flutternutter (Skippyjon Jones reference)
Calvin (age 4) (laughing) : You little refrigerator
Anna Elise (annoyed): You are not funny you laugh-er head
Calvin (laughing harder): You little shirt-y
Anna Elise: stop
Calvin (laughing uncontrollably) : You window
Anna Elise gave up and ate her dinner

Sally talking to Mike
Sally: My mom says Sears is the best place to look for freezers
Calvin(Age 4): Well, I guess we need to go to Sears then.

While eating Chinese takeout
Calvin(age 4): What's that yellow sauce?
Mike: Hot Mustard
Calvin: Will it ever cool down?

Calvin(age 4): Hey dad...are babies a type of kid?
Dad: Uh...yeah, they are a type of kid.

Calvin (age 4): What are you making for dinner?
Mom: Calzones
Calvin: I know what they have in them - milk! Because they are "Cow"zones!

Dad: You didn't pick up all your clothes, your pajamas are still on the floor
Calvin (age 4): Just don't worry about those Dad, I'll put them away tomorrow

Mike cleaning up various computer wires/cables/cords: "What a rat's nest."
Calvin (age 4): "What's a 'rat's nest'?"
Dad: "It's just an expression, something you say when there is a big mess."
Calvin: "You mean because the rats didn't put their toys away before they got a new one out?"

A 1978 El Camino with a rumbling exhaust cruised by the house while we were outside. Calvin (age 4): Dad look! It's a race car! (It did have some pin stripes on the doors. Mike couldn't stop laughing.)

While riding in the car one afternoon Calvin made up this song: "When you poke your eye out then you say Hi Daddy, can you fix my eye, can you fix my eye, Daddy can you fix my eye."

What do you get when your 4 year old tries to fill up his watergun with a pitcher of lemonade? A really sticky kitchen floor!

Calvin (age 4): Mom what happened?
Mom: Megan cut my hair.
Calvin: I don't like your face like that.

Outside our duplex while Mike is working on the porch, Calvin (handing Mike a filthy and torn glove): Dad, here's a glove so you won't get your hand dirty.
Dad: Where did you get that?
Calvin (age 3): I found it over there in the mud for you!

Calvin (age 3) (contemplating life early this morning while I fed Lilah): Mom, why do we just have days and days and days and days and days....and then we die?

Calvin (age 3) (at dinner): I am going to be a fire fighter when I get big so I need to buy a fire truck.
Dad: Fire trucks cost a LOT of money!
Calvin: Yah, I'll just go to the bank EVERY day!

Calvin (age 3) (while going to bed): Are there dinosaurs in my closet waiting to get me?
Dad: No, there aren't anymore dinosaurs, they all died a long time ago.
Calvin: But if they are resurrected they could get me...Dad, will dinosaurs be resurrected?

Calvin (age 3) (trying to sing a primary song): Whenever I hear a bird on my face...

Anna Elise (age 5): Calvin you need to wear socks.
Calvin (age 3): I have socks on.
Anna Elise: I don't see them.
Calvin: They're mouse socks, they're really little so you can't see them.

Anna Elise: Mom, Calvin says the "Pirate Bootey" (white cheddar cheetos) is shaving cream.

Anna Elise (age 5): Dad is mom older than you?
Dad: Yes, a little bit.
Calvin (age 3): Has she seen more things than you?
Dad: Yes, a few more things.
Calvin: Like dinosaurs?

Driving across about the 30th bridge unannounced...
Calvin: Dad, you're supposed to tell me before we drive over the bridge...now go back, so you can tell me!

Mom: We'll get to our hotel in 8 minutes...
Kids: (immediately counting the seconds, slowly, and loudly) 1, 2...19, 20teen!
Calvin: (puzzled) How can we not even be there?

Kids: Why do we have eyelashes?
Dad: To protect our eyes...
Calvin (age 3): You mean so they don't fall out?

Lilah: fussing, fussing, fussing
Calvin: Lilah...stop being such a grape (we think he meant grump).

Calvin (referring to the freckle on his face): It's not a freckle, it's a beard!

Calvin (age 3): Can we go to the moon today? We'll need to be able to fly in the air - like with a sleigh.

Mom: To get to Disney World you have to cross a little river in a boat
Calvin (age 3): But we don't have a boat! Maybe we could borrow Dave and Rachel's boat if we promise to bring it back.

Calvin (while drinking his morning "shake"): Are there grasshoppers in here?
Mom (teasing): No, just crickets.
Calvin: I can see a cricket toenail!

Calvin (age 3): I don't like that candle
Dad: How come, it smells good?
Calvin: The fire makes my bottom hurt.